I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
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Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Hey guys keep up the “Bush did 9/11” tweets I think the pressure is really grinding his gears
Her: Pull my hair!!
*grabs her mustache*
I dont know what everyone is complaining about – this *homeschool thing is a breeze.
*kids all still sleeping
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways