Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
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My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Cardio Made Easy
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.