Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
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Now 91 is waving his diaper over his head while 86 is running down the street naked with 79’s pants. Working in the old folks home is hard.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I just saved thousands on child support by never getting laid.