@TwinSurvivalist

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

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@Beerhaze

I wish it were okay for a guy to carry a purse because there is only so much banana bread that I can fit in my wallet.

@MikeZakarian

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

@Chhapiness

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

@anbrll00

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

@3sunzzz

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

@BoogTweets

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

@Parker_Simpson

Hey guys keep up the “Bush did 9/11” tweets I think the pressure is really grinding his gears

@Divergentmama

I dont know what everyone is complaining about – this *homeschool thing is a breeze.

*kids all still sleeping

@actioncookbook

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways