@TwinSurvivalist

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

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@mela_shea

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

@HeyZeus666

Now 91 is waving his diaper over his head while 86 is running down the street naked with 79’s pants. Working in the old folks home is hard.

@ItsAndyRyan

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

@GingerHotDish

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

@LackOfShame

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

@16bitbulbasaur

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

@Reverend_Scott

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

@Parkerlawyer

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

@krisv_723

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.