@TwinSurvivalist

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

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@cavaticat

me: I’m hungry
fridge: great news, I’m full of foods you selected
me: no, not like that

@RobbyActually

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

@suzieQ0007

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

@yonewt

This is your yearly reminder to not put bananas in fruit salads

@SondraDeeMe

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

@_Water_Baby

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

@Marcmywords2

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

@YUCKYBOT

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.