I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
You Might Also Like
me: I’m hungry
fridge: great news, I’m full of foods you selected
me: no, not like that
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Her: I’m pregnant
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
This is your yearly reminder to not put bananas in fruit salads
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.