Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

Natural selection at its finest

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.