Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

i now pronounce you bounced.

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.