Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
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“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.