Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
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“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
That’s what I call a flat tire
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.