Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
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” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?