Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
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I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
#DesignFail
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*