Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
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Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
January is lasting longer than my marriage
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care