Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

Never forget.

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge