Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
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Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
This is a sub tweet
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Am I having a stroke?
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.