Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
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Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
“A little help here, Danny?”
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Easy enough.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup