Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

Deer are just ballerina dogs

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

I feel seen

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine