Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.