Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
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[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame