Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
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Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
These aliens are taking forever.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag