Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.