Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
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the composer
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.