Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
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waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.