Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
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A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
this got me crying😭😭
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
crazy
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED