@OhNoSheTwitnt: Apparently "cool story, bro" is not an acceptable substitute for "congratulations" when your friend calls and tells you she's pregnant.
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@ArfMeasures: THERAPIST: What do you wish for? WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things ME: For the dog to talk
@squirrel74wkgn: [at hotel] Friend: Heard your wife last night...she's a screamer [flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed] Me: Yep, nailed her
@JoParkerBear: Donald Trump is probably the closest we'll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
@3sunzzz: [Confessional Booth] Catholic: I've done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven? Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.