Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
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If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.