@OhNoSheTwitnt

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

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@HansGrubertron

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

@fuzzlime

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

@RandomRamblr

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

@Audenary

LINCOLN: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.

TWITTER: No.

@girlnarly

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

@rachelle_mandik

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

@theshamingofjay

“Sit”
dog sits

“Down”
dog lays down on floor

“Play Dead”
dog graduates college, finds job, gets married and has kids

@_Heather82

Doctor: Looks like you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m pregnant?

Doctor: No it just looks like you are.