@OhNoSheTwitnt

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

- @OhNoSheTwitnt

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@NicestHippo

*deliberately drops paper in front of cute girl*
Oh my goodness was that my…(sexy voice) political science degree

@Cnelson019Carol

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

@Cheeseboy22

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison Elementary are safe today.

@hayes_t_r

I like telling people I’m 4 months pregnant so they’ll tell me how great I look.

@shariv67

I sleep with my grandad’s WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.

@SamDelanche

Sorry about the concussion Steve but it wouldn’t be called a “trust fall” if it worked every time.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

@ItsAndyRyan

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’