Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
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“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Hey I worked for it too!
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!