Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

Love thy neighbor’s dog

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.