Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.