Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
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Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
we all know this pain all too well
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.