Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
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me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Kermit goes Blue.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive