Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.

Store clerk: Scotch?

Me: Even better.

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow