Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.

Telling everyone I’m premed…

(short for premeditating their murder)

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.