Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
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I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
*gets down on one knee*
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.