Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
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If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Genius idea!!
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.