Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
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me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I really had high hopes for this year though
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Bless you
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.