Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️

Yelp: Its prison ma’am.

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.