Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
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[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.