Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
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Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
The USS B port
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.