Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
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Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged