Apparently fat people in scooters despise being called a cripple-potamous

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The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.


Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough


[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here


I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.


Me: *applies temporary tattoos*

Mom: Unicorn tats?

Me: I’m in a gang.

Mom: Ha! With who, Lisa Frank?

Me: You just made a powerful enemy.


(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*


[first day as a tour guide]

me: most tourists visit madame tussauds but this is cheaper and more realistic

coroner: get out


Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though


Whoever is training cashiers to hand change back with the coins on top of paper currency, stop.