Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
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Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Get in loser we’re going crying
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me