Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?

Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.

*7yo walks off*

Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes