Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you