Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
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Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come