Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.