Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
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A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
i really liked this one
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*