Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”