Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.