Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
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After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
