Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
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Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*
I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I wish this was real life…
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it: