Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

I see your IQ test came back negative

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it