Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
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Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
