Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
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Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master