Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
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Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.