Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
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[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Employees must applaud the planets.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.