Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog