Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

Message from teachers: no clubs this week

Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week

Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week

School electronic sign: no clubs this week

Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

New menu item

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

Hear me out: WrestleVania

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

My wife has the worst taste in men.

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.