Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…