Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
You Might Also Like
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
My neck, my back, my…
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”