@cravin4

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

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@ArfMeasures

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

@EmissaryKerry

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

@TheAlexNevil

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

@Brampersandon_

BOSS: You forgot my birthday didn’t you?
ME: *lighting candle* No what gave u that idea?
BOSS: idk maybe that candle stuck in a urinal cake?

@Reverend_Scott

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

@jonnysun

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”

@NickBossRoss

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

@MissHavisham

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

@MatCro

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this