Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

I feel seen

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.