Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

Me: How did the interrogation go?

Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.

Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.