Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
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ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
#parenting
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!