Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
You Might Also Like
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.