Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
ACED my prostate exam!
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
live, laugh, laundry.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Gross if literal…Liverpool
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.