Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

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If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you


I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.


This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.


The seventh rule of Fight Club is no one leaves until ALL the chairs are put away.


I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.


Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!


sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means


What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.


He whispered in my ear that he liked being called daddy.
I whispered back that I liked being called a cab.