Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
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People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb