@mrjohntofu

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

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@dumbbeezie

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

@LizHackett

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

@Swishergirl24

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

@BallsMcBallski

The seventh rule of Fight Club is no one leaves until ALL the chairs are put away.

@sameralkhoury

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

@zachreinert03

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

@CornOnTheGoblin

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

@GingerHotDish

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

@rose24_em

He whispered in my ear that he liked being called daddy.
I whispered back that I liked being called a cab.