Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
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I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
When libraries troll their patrons.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot