Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
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ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”