Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
You Might Also Like
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house