Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

watergate? u mean a dam??

People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

bro what is going on at twitter

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.