Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

The Onion called it…again.

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..