Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
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me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.