Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
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Me after 1 airport cocktail:
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse