Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

How and why my FUR ROOM exists

*pronounces UPS like yoops

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

Breaking news:

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade