Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

im all 3

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself