Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
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18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?